I sat with one of my closet friends this weekend and we started talking about what the next few years look like. He asked me if how long I planned on being in Uganda and I answered him like I have answered everyone, “I don’t know. I take it one year at a time.” With all sincerity in his heart he said, “I think you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, and that you are meant to be there, but not forever. It’s just not the Dacia we know. We know you to love your friends more than anything, you are always connected, you enjoy being a part of what is going on in everyone’s life back home. You love your family and you are family oriented. I just don’t think you could be gone forever.”
I knew his heart and I love it. I agree with him 100%, he knows me well. He knows that it is not me to be away from my friends that are my family. He knows that I desire to be a wife and a mom and I have a very sweet family that I love being with. And I love that I have friends that know me the way they do and it is comforting to know that your friends actually do want you to be here, doing life alongside of them. His words were true.
This is not me…
It is that very statement that I have prayed would be what leads me, what defines my life when the world looks at me, they will not see Dacia, but the love of my Savior that demands my life, my soul, my all. This is not me at all. If I could choose, I would really try to have the best of both worlds. I would recruit everyone that I love spending life with to pack up and move with me. I would have my mom and dad there in Jinja. But His love has stained me and it is no longer about what I want. For I have tasted of both worlds. I know what it is to live in my favorite city, to have an incredible job, to have security, to not really ever “want”, to call up friends at anytime, to be successful, to start a business, and there are days that I miss it so much. I also know what it is like to say “I’ll go”. To sacrifice very little and to give up a few comforts in order to gain a perspective that allows me to see with different eyes. A life where there is suffering daily, but it is what I long for, because that is where I see Him. A life that sometimes is very lonely, especially for a girl who loves people, but a fulfilled life that makes the lonely nights worth it. To have tasted of life.
That is what we are searching for, is it not? Something that allows us to go to bed at night feeling like we had a purpose that day. To wake up knowing that the day might be full of heartache, but we will overcome because He has promised He would never leave us or forsake us and that He is there, in those moments. To walk assured that you are right where He wants you. That a black and white life has become vibrant with color and meaning.
Although right now, in this moment, I would love to stay and not have to say goodbye, again. I wrestle with the same lie from the enemy which is- if I go, I am prolonging the chance for a relationship. I actually sat down next to a sweet woman on the plane a few days ago and as we started talking, she told me one of her good friends had always been called to Africa, but now she finds herself in her 30’s with the desire to marry and she is scared to go. I was quick to tell her, “No! Tell you friend she must go! It is worth it and God will not ask you to go and then expect you to forsake natural human desires, such as being married. He is so creative, and will bring him to us while we are busy in the fields. And if it’s not His will for us to be married, then we are in a place that we are being poured out and used so much that it’s hard to feel solely alone. Tell her to go…” Today, if I am honest with you, I struggle believing and living out my own words. I know they are true, but my heart says…”this is not me…I want to share life with someone, I want to share this adventure with another that can get in the trenches with me and then shout for joy on the mountaintop. I want to have babies with my friends and have them grow up together.” This leaving when everyone else (as it seems to me) is settling, establishing roots.
But deep in my soul, I hear Him say, ” I have more for you than you could dream, Dacia. Your anchor has dropped and it is planted firmly along with my promise,”You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” PS. 16:11 I am the desire of your heart. Me. I AM. Take my hand, let’s do this journey together. Focus on what I have called you to do, for now. This is not you, for you cannot do this on your own. Just like I called the Israelites out of slavery into the Promise Land, so I have called you. I have the Promise in mind, but I want you to endure the process. For when you look ahead all you will have is questions, but when you look back you see the answers. I have never forsaken you. I have taken care of the mundane details of your life. I got this. Let’s go.”
So my answer is this…”No turning back. The cross before me, the world behind me. I will follow. This is my anthem. My life for your fame. My every move bring glory to Your name.”
So this life, my life in Uganda, it really isn’t me…..
It is Him.