You can only lead as far as you have been led with Him. This has been weighing on me. Such a great responsibility to lead. I desire to go deeper with Him, I desire for Him to speak, but yet I find myself getting busy with the ministry to-do list and the schedule that we have even here, and I fail to stop and listen. So today, I am stopping. I am listening. I am going to write.
He has done so much these last few weeks that I have failed to share. Here is a sweet recap of what has been going on in my job and also in my heart.
I have new responsibilities! Here is what I do on a day-to-day basis.
1. Donations Office // I am still helping in this department, which means that I help coordinate the sponsorships and updates for those who sponsor and give to the ministry.
2. School Coordinator // Responsible for the spiritual and physical well-being of the babies at our home, our nursery, primary, and secondary school.
3. Assistant Guesthouse Manager // I assist Sarah, our amazing manager, in the evenings and on the weekends at our guesthouses.
4. Developing a micro-loan finance department where we can help our 200 pastors develop projects that will sustain their income and help their community as well.
When I type all of this out I can literally feel myself start to panic. I can feel myself start to feel so inadequate and overwhelmed. I know myself well enough to know that when these feelings come, I tend to shut down and become paralyzed. I have been wrestling with fighting these fears for the last few weeks. I will sit down at my computer to write updates and nothing comes. I will begin to try to get into the Word and ask God for wisdom on how to lead and what our babies and students need to walk through first, and there is silence. I can’t seem to move forward. I lay in bed and think, “Did you really think I could do this? Why? I feel like there are so many more out there that have experience in all of these areas, and I am not one of them.” It keeps me up at night. I look ahead and see a mountain that I have no experience climbing.
It wasn’t until a few days ago that He spoke. He spoke into every fear of my inadequacy. An image. An image that took me back to a blog post that I wrote last year that was inspired by my sweet friend, Katie. Learning to bend low
For when I am bent low, serving, with my face to the dirt, that is where I find Him in all of His fullness. But today, I know that with me bending my knee, placing myself in a position of surrender, I can only take this position because He first bent towards me.
I feel as though I have to measure up. I still feel as though I need to perform accordingly. But I have to, once again, know the Biblical love of Jesus. And so I have to go back to this image: He came for me. I have quoted John 3:16 so many times but today it is different. “For God SO loved the world that He GAVE his only son”…the love of God is initiated towards me. He moved towards me. He bent towards me. Me at my best is never going to be adequate. Ever. That is why in His great love, He leaned in.
God has publicly outed me and because of that I am set free. So, that means I need a Savior. I don’t have to be more than I am. Sometimes I still think that He will love me when I get it all right and thousands of students and babies are living for Him. I don’t have to pretend through what I post on Facebook, Instagram and even my blog, that I know what I am doing. I don’t have to wrestle with putting an image forward that I can do this and because I am living in Uganda that I am doing something unique that deserves attention or praise, but just the opposite. I do not deserve a Savior that would call me, find me worthy, and set me in a place where He constantly reminds me that I cannot do this. Reminds me that He bends towards me so that I can also bend with a heart that tries to reflect the heart of my Father. Oh how I fail. I often do not serve well. I often expect others to serve me. I often miss opportunities to love well and to sit with someone because I need to accomplish a list. It is a daily battle to remember that I don’t have to sit in the guilt and run away from Him, but run towards Him because He already told me I would need a Savior. And He came.
It is my desire that each student at our Secondary School, all 188 of them, would come to know a Savior that bent towards them, so they can understand the spectacular love of their Father. That as orphans, as those who have been sexually abused, abandoned, scared, starved, the Creator came and got down on His knees before them, cupped their faces, held their hearts, kissed their wounds, and embraced them. My heart feels the weight of doing everything in my power to point them to His heart. Not just a religion that we spoon feed them in a Christian school and home, but that we would guide them in a relationship, that would give them Hope and show them the way to Life. Would you pray for me? Would you pray that in my weakness, He is shown strong? That I would not play the comparison game. I would not be paralyzed by fear but would run set free.
That together we will run with our heads held high in the confidence of our Father’s love for us. Together, we will bend low and serve one another. Together, we would place ourselves in a surrendered position. Together, we would allow the picture of our Savior bending towards us, make our hearts bend towards Him. And with a posture like pictured below, I am capable of doing the things He has called me to do.