Weekends are the hardest. During the week we keep ourselves busy with work and when I go to work, I see her but come the weekend, I fight the sadness. When our living room is unusually quiet, when I trip over little shoes, and when I walk up the stairs to see an empty bed the deep sadness sets in.
This morning I sit with the Lord and I have Bethel’s new album playing in the background and I find myself putting one song on repeat. They lyrics seem to be coming from deep inside of me.
“I have to this place in my life
I’m full but not satisfied, this longing to have more of You
I can feel my heart is convinced, I’m thirsty my soul can’t be quenched
You already know this but come do whatever it is you want to.
I’m standing knee-deep but out in a place I’ve never been
I feel you coming and hear your voice on the wind”
As I wrote my last blog, I wrote that this process is not about Leah…it’s about me. I didn’t really know then what He was specifically He was trying to do but He is beginning to reveal.
I have known Jesus since I was 6 years old. I have always desired to have a real relationship with Him, not one of my family’s, not one that worked for me when I needed it, but He has been so gracious to me by planting a desire in me to want to really know this Man. I have seen so much. Since a little girl, I have walked with my family through the grossness of the church, I have seen death, I have seen miracles, I have walked deep in depression, I have walked in spiritual highs, I have moved across the world because that is where He led me and I tend to think I have arrived. But here where my heart is so confused and hurting, I see that I haven’t and that is what He is doing.
When the question was asked of Josh and I, “What do you want to say to Leah if she can’t come to your home?” The question stung. We both just sat there not really wanting to let that reality to set in. It is like when you know you are dying and you have the task of trying to leave words behind for those you love so much. As we both answered, the tears flowed and my hands shook. But in that moment, He reminded me of His purpose.
“Leah, above all else you have two people who love you more than we could ever show you. You are worth every fight we have and will put forward, because you, Leah, you are worth fighting for. You are treasured. Know you are loved. Loved fiercely. But above all else we want you to know that your hope does not lie in having a mommy and a daddy in us. Your hope doesn’t lie in having this family, but your hope is in Jesus Christ. We will fail you, this world will fail you, but your Father, He will never fail you. He wants you to know along with us, that this is not all there is and this is not your home. He will come for you and we want you to know Him. He is your hope. He is your Father.”
That question makes me look at my hands. Are they clenched tightly around what I want? What I think will make everything better for her and for us? Or are my hands still open?
I have sang songs, written it in my journal, declared to other…”Nothing compares to you. You are my one desire. I desire nothing besides you. You are better.”
But here in this mess- do I really believe? Do I really want Him more than I want a daughter?
He is better. I believe this. But have I known? I like to go to His table and feast but I think I have been taking my paper plate to His table. I have been drinking the boxed wine. I want fast food. I want Him, I desire Him, but when it comes to forsaking the desire to have Leah as my daughter, do I want Him more?
If there is one thing that I want more than anything is to know that He is better than all of this. Better than marriage. Better than children. Better than life.
Because He is.
I have acknowledged that this process might not be over until He has accomplished what He wants to in me. I have tried to hurry it. I have tried to manipulate my relationship with Him in order to get. But here is this moment my heart is definitely knee-deep out in a place I have never been before. And I can’t help but be lured because I have never felt Him like this. So, if I have to linger here, I am daring to say…Lord keep me here.
If fighting for a daughter leads us to the table, where I throw away my paper plates, where I drink of the finest wine, and I feast on the finest china then let me not clench my hands tightly around what I want.
I want to know that nothing compares to you and that you truly are my one desire.
Let this cup not pass until I have drank deeply of what you have for me, for our marriage, for our girl, and our ministry.
If this is deeper, let me sink willingly.
“Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I am free
Whether I sink or rather I swim
it makes no difference when I am beautifully in over my head
I’m beautifully in over my head”